Tearproof Mascara

I've never been very good at saying goodbye.

On the phone, I often feel like goodbye is something you're supposed to ease into before actually implementing. In person, I feel like I should always precede a goodbye with the plan for when I will next see the person to whom I'm saying goodbye.

I guess it's not a word for which I'm comfortable saying, but I've been saying it a lot lately. There have been goodbyes to my friends still stationed here, goodbyes to my friends I've made through grad school, and goodbyes to my friends I've made through my sons. When moving, goodbye is something you can't afford not to say.

Therefore, during the course of the last week, I have worn waterproof mascara, fully prepared for the onslaught of emotion I would have during each time I said goodbye. However, because I'm not comfortable saying the word, I have been distancing myself from the actual moment when I say the word to each of my friends, and the tears have not come. I felt a little robotic each time I said goodbye, saying the words and phrases that I felt were expected of me.

It occurred to me that goodbye is not just a word. It's a loaded word, filled with memories, emotion, and attachment, and I have felt entirely heartless that during the course of the last week I haven't cried once--that is, until today.

It hit me. I knew that it would, and it did, and thank goodness it happened at home where I could get a grip on myself and clean myself up afterward. I wept for the friends that I am leaving behind. I wept for the uncertainty that I may not see some of them ever again. I wept for the adventures and journeys I will be making henceforth without them.

And, in weeping, I found solace. Solace that I am not immune to the love of others. Solace that I am not immune to loving others. The tears felt good, and I now feel human again. My world seems less clinical than alive with being a woman and being human. Thank God for that.

So, if you ever wondered if it really works...it does. That is, the waterproof mascara. It's completely tearproof--which is exactly what a girl like me needs to feel strong and human all in the same breath.